STOP WIDDLING AND WASHING

I don’t mean stop widdling as in block the exit, I mean do something about the way you get rid of it.
After all, animals don’t need toilets. Pets are trained to use a version of them: the cat litter, the rat litter, the budgie bottom of the cage. What about dogs? Don’t they go out onto the back lawn, or the front pavement? Otherwise there would be no market for pooper scoopers. Wild animals are not spending their time driving round in ever frantic circles in their 4x4s looking for a public toilet. They feel full, they let it out. Much more healthy. So why don’t we do the same?
It’s no good groaning. We are talking about the end of the world as we know it. Get a grip. A little thing like widdling in the park is not going to hurt, surely?
The seas will rise up and the mountains will fall. Well, the seas are definitely on the rise thanks to the melting of the polar ice caps and there may be a few more earthquakes. What will this mean for us? The rise in the height of the seas will devastate coastal areas. Time to sell the Florida and Norfolk mansions and move inland.
The real problem will come with the reduction in fresh water. Supplies are going to dry up across Africa, Europe and parts of the Americas. This will cause a mass migration of human souls across the continents to find fresh water supplies.
It is therefore paramount that we do all we can to preserve what water we have and that means wasting not one drop on ablutions. Grow a beard, don’t shave. I could carry on in that vein but you know what I mean. Those of you with freshwater butts will be laughing right now. You will be ok, won’t you? No, you won’t. That freshwater will be like a honey trap for a swarm of bees. The marauding flock of humans with the odd laptop linked to Google Earth will be searching for you. Time for you to move. The best option is to find a natural spring on a farm and then pretend you are desperate for water supplies. That might fool most of the people for most of the time. Rivers will be at a premium and huge encampments will be set up along their borders. It will become important to protect this water from waste but there will be no time to construct elaborate toilet and washing facilities. The important point here will be to find a place a long way away from the river so that the pollution does not run into the water table and ruin the river.
You will need to look on fresh water as you now consider petrol when the car is running low on fuel. You don’t find the nearest petrol station and put a litre or two in the tank and then fill a container with a few more litres to take off to the November the Fifth bonfire and spread it around for a great fire, now do you?
So, learn to treat water as the most precious jewel in the world. Preserve, preserve and preserve.