JOIN OSAMA BIN LADEN

That sounds a bit dramatic, doesn’t it? What, I hear you say, join forces with the World’s Number One Enemy. Are you mad? Look at it like this: the combined forces of the world’s most powerful military machines have been using everything from satellites to spies trying to pick the one spot on Planet Earth where Osama is now living. They’ve failed. And yet if you go out into the back garden of your Californian home for a crafty drag on a ciggie all the wife’s got to do is go onto Google Earth and she’s caught you, puffing away behind the proverbial bike shed. So, what’s Osama got that you haven’t?
Something good, you can be sure of it. What happens when Global Warming kicks in and the population starts running out of food and safe places to live is that there’s going to be a rush for a secure home. That’s where our good friend Osama comes in.
If the worst happens, and according to some commentators that means the better part of six billion dead out of a population of about six and a half billion, you can bet good money you are going to be one of them. Unless, of course, you are so well hidden that the marauding murderers out for your stock of food, or, worse still, determined to cook and gobble you up, cannot find you.
Have a word with Osama’s friends and get him to offer you safe passage. A word of warning: you’re going to have to produce more gab than an Irishman who’s kissed the Blarney Stone twice a day since birth.
Obviously you’re taking a risk of being killed. But, heck, that’s gonna happen anyway. So why not get it over and done with. Try to avoid being tortured to death: carry a card in Arabic explaining that you are not a CIA spy sent to find Osama but simply an individual worried about Global Warming who wishes to hide from the same marauding mobs chasing after Osama himself. I’m sure he’ll understand. At least you can be assured that he knows what it’s like to be “hot”.
Try to take him some presents. This depends on the size of your pocket and your particular feelings as far as giving presents is concerned. Nothing too bulky, remember you’re probably going to have to cross a couple of massive mountains. Ice cream and other cooked goods are probably no good as they’ll be long gone by the time you arrive, unless you can hitch a ride in a helicopter, but that’s unlikely. Think about a few board games, preferably with translations, so you can while away the years until it’s safe for both you and him to return to where civilization used to live.
There are certain advantages to this choice. Once six billion people have been wiped out on Planet Earth there are going to be some changes to the life you once led without thinking about it. For example, the rubbish collection is unlikely to be every other week. The advantage of this will be no council snoopers checking to see if you have recycled all your plastic, glass, cardboard and tin.
The isolation you will have led on the Afghan/Pakistan mountains will shape you up immensely for the journey back to Europe or America. There, you may well find life not much more different than your mountain hideout. And, if you play your cards right, you might persuade Osama and his gang to accompany you, for protection against the few remaining wild humans roaming the plains.