CHANGE INTO A COELACANTH
Why give up the so attractive human form to become a creature lurking in dark waters at the bottom of the ocean?
A bit cold, you might think. True, but I doubt whether coelacanths view life in that way, otherwise they would have evolved into humans with arms and legs and joined us up here on the land.
Coelacanths can swim upside down lazily picking at their food all day long. Sounds good, doesn’t it?
So, how do you go about doing it? First, nip off to Oxford and find the top zoologist and ask for the whole package: minute details about lungs, body structure, scales and methods of hunting. You may as well bone up on that right now, as it could be a while before you find your fellow coelas swimming about in this ever growing ocean.
Next, take a trip to Harley Street, but do try to avoid the sharks swimming in this particular ocean. You need to find the finest plastic surgeon. Check your cash levels before you go, you might not be able to put pin numbers into machines once you’ve been done. Also, if you can get the surgeon to test his work in the ocean, all the better. It works and you’re off. It doesn’t and you still don’t have to pay. What you don’t want is for him to overcharge you and stick you in an indoor fishtank until you pay or the world ends. It might be an idea to get a friend to visit the specialist after the operation to check whether you’re in a tank or not. Perhaps they could threaten reporting the surgeon to the authorities and get you out that way. Better still, have the friend arrange to take you to the ocean the moment the operation’s over.
Don’t be tempted to swim up to a Caribbean beach and ogle the sunbathers. Bad idea. Too many fishermen. You might be caught, dried out, stuffed and placed in the special category of a famous museum.
Coelacanths have already survived one near total wipeout of the species. Pop down to where your fellow fish are swimming and ask how it was done. You’ve now survived Global Warming. Well done.
A bit cold, you might think. True, but I doubt whether coelacanths view life in that way, otherwise they would have evolved into humans with arms and legs and joined us up here on the land.
Coelacanths can swim upside down lazily picking at their food all day long. Sounds good, doesn’t it?
So, how do you go about doing it? First, nip off to Oxford and find the top zoologist and ask for the whole package: minute details about lungs, body structure, scales and methods of hunting. You may as well bone up on that right now, as it could be a while before you find your fellow coelas swimming about in this ever growing ocean.
Next, take a trip to Harley Street, but do try to avoid the sharks swimming in this particular ocean. You need to find the finest plastic surgeon. Check your cash levels before you go, you might not be able to put pin numbers into machines once you’ve been done. Also, if you can get the surgeon to test his work in the ocean, all the better. It works and you’re off. It doesn’t and you still don’t have to pay. What you don’t want is for him to overcharge you and stick you in an indoor fishtank until you pay or the world ends. It might be an idea to get a friend to visit the specialist after the operation to check whether you’re in a tank or not. Perhaps they could threaten reporting the surgeon to the authorities and get you out that way. Better still, have the friend arrange to take you to the ocean the moment the operation’s over.
Don’t be tempted to swim up to a Caribbean beach and ogle the sunbathers. Bad idea. Too many fishermen. You might be caught, dried out, stuffed and placed in the special category of a famous museum.
Coelacanths have already survived one near total wipeout of the species. Pop down to where your fellow fish are swimming and ask how it was done. You’ve now survived Global Warming. Well done.
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