Not sure how you go about arranging this as his eminence the world’s finest Rock and Roll guitarist is notoriously difficult to make friends with – ask Sir Michael Philip Jagger.
Someone once said that after the world was destroyed in a nuclear explosion the only things left alive would be cockroaches and Keith Richards. Perhaps it’s his ability to combine cocaine with his father’s ashes, snorting the lot to no bad effect. Pity he later retracted the story. Ah well, he’s never been a slouch at publicity. After a lifetime of abuse to his body he seems fitter and stronger than ever. Certainly he puts most other mid-sixties men – and mid-Sixties – men to shame.
How does he do it? Keith’s tutorial is bound to keep you living by your wits. I doubt you’ll pass unless you are prepared to give as good as he would like you to take. Always remember that the aim of the game here is survival. Sometimes survival can be difficult.
I hear he does not touch the drugs these days. Do not worry. He will have something else to keep that brain young and lively. Your job is to find out what that something is and get it for yourself.
Here follow a few hints as to what he is now taking instead of copious quantities of illegal drugs. These days, Rolling Stones concerts get cancelled only when Keef has been injured. The most recent one was falling out of a palm tree while gathering coconuts. That one’s easy. You can pick ‘em up for under a quid at the nearest Tesco, Asda or Morrisons. Probably Sainsbury’s as well. There isn’t one near me but I’m sure you will find a coconut or two somewhere. Still, it might be worth checking with Keef to see whether it was the milk or fruit from the coconut that he was after or whether it was the climbing of the palm tree that was the point of the exercise. If so, book a day trip to Kew Gardens. Maybe, knowing Keef, there’s a whole new world out there once you get acquainted with what you can really do with coconuts.
The previous concert cancellation injury was a damaged hand. Hitting someone, I hear you ask? No, not quite as Rock and Roll as that. He fell off the ladder in his American library. That’s a library as in books and America as in The United States of: Weston, Connecticut. You may rub your eyes. Ok, take a minute. Are we ready to resume. New paragraph, I think. Cup of tea first? Go on, treat yourself.
Rock’s ultimate Bad Boy not only reads books but has a library that would outshine your municipal one, always assuming the council hasn’t closed it and turned the building into a Music Download Centre. With internet access, of course, so you could look up a quote from a “BOOK” if you felt so inclined. He must read them, mustn’t he? That why he was up the bleedin’ ladder. Doubt he also does his own cleaning. Perhaps he was in a hurry to catch up on those books he had failed to read in the Sixties and Seventies.
One word of warning. Gaining an audience with Keef is believed to be slightly more difficult than entering the presence of Osama. You now know. Although, personally speaking, I’d rather spend the dying years of the Planet hanging out with Keith Richards. Who knows, he might even get to like my songs.
